[January 24 2005//22:31:40] [[p i r o]]: give me something to write about.
[January 24 2005//22:32:38] lauren: ice cream
Okay. So Ice Cream. Yeah. Man, you know what? I was forced to write this article. This damn girl was getting all angsty about how this site is the only one she can read at school or something so I better write something. So why the hell am I even doing it?
Fuck, okay, ice cream. It's something that I really only eat at home. My mom is pretty rad, she buys that nice Dreamery stuff that probably has significantly contributed to my weight problem. Although, when I went home for Christmas, there was just some Breyer's crap in there. Actually, it wasn't that bad. Actually, I ate the entire fucking thing. Actually.
But that's besides the point. I'll pretty much eat any ice cream in the fridge at home. Except shitty flavors like mango or something, which I think may be yogurt or sorbet or something lame like that and I don't really care to be quite honest. But at school, I've had ice cream a total of once. Why, you might ask.
Graininess. When I lick my hot, steamy, and silky tongue all over the big tall cone of ice cream, I expect nothing less than flavorful, sexy, and smooth ice cream to love me back. But no, the mint chocolate chip ice cream at UH's cafeteria is grainy as all hell.
Yeah, mmm, delicious ice cream that tastes like I'm licking sand. When I'm doing what will probably be the closest I ever come to giving fellatio, the last thing I want is to be giving oral to sandpaper (well, actually, the last thing I'd want to give oral to is an actual penis).
I knew I wasn't alone in my feeling that the Mint Chocolate Chip wasn't right. There is a comment board in the Hale Aloha Cafe, and someone had written something to the effect of "WHY IS THE MINT ICE CREAM GRAINY???" After this particularly bad and tragic incident, I decided I would never touch ice cream at the Cafe again.
A few weeks or months later, I'm dining with a fellow mint chocolate chip enthusiast. She claimed that she had never experienced grainy mint chocolate chip.
"Hmm, how odd." I commented. I then remember an incident in which another friend, one who was NOT eating mint chocolate chip at the time, mentioned that his ice cream was grainy.
So, let's look over the facts. Mint chocolate chip was grainy at one point, at other times it was grain-free. Other ice creams also experienced grain-textural-occurance (GTO), but again, were not always afflicted with GTO. It became quite obvious that graininess moved from ice cream to ice cream, for short periods at a time.
I know, I know, this is becoming a crime drama. I used my holmes-esque deductive skills to figure out what what going on. It's quite obvious that one of the employees were randomly contaminating the ice cream. With semen. Why we (I cannot claim sole responsibility for this, my peers contributed) came to this conclusion, I am not quite sure. I'm not going to be eating any semen in the forseeable, so I guess I will never be able to conclude if semen makes ice cream grainy, and thus, through the scientific method, I am forced to believe that my assumption is correct:someone is randomly jerking it into one of the ice cream containers each night.
Just who is the culprit is still in the air, though. Could it be incredibly obese man? Weird guy who's really worried about restocking the peanut butter? Or somehow, mean lady who yelled at me for stepping in some dressing (WHICH I SO DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS ON THE GROUND AND MAYBE IF YOU COULD JUST TELL ME WHAT I WAS DOING WRONG INSTEAD OF STARING AT ME LIKE I'VE JUST KILLED ALL OF YOUR LOVED ONES I WOULD HAVE GLADLY COMPLIED). All of these sources are possible. But we're forgetting one major player, the manager, who always seems jolly. Way jolly. Anyone who is THAT happy about serving college kids who steal pb&j sandwiches while purposely make a mess of the place has to have some type of release. In this case, release has a double meaning. That's all I'm going to speculate and say.
Okay, I hope that this will get you through your computer class, Catherine. And I hope the rest of you won't want to give up ice cream after reading this.
Also, I figure there's enough latently homosexual stuff in this article to keep a psychologist happy for years, and I think I need to go look at some pictures of asian girls to make up for it.
2 Comments:
I think the ice cream is "vegan" ice cream, so they need to substitute the milk part with shitty soy granules. GOD, I hate vegans. Ice cream with a little "animal" in it never killed anyone. Except John Candy RIP.
By bee, at 1/25/2005 11:14:31 PM
Thank you, Hunter. My class was so much more entertaining because of your rant on grainy semen-filled ice cream. And btw, not angsty.
Much love,
Catherine
By Anonymous, at 1/26/2005 07:55:39 AM
