Hello everyone. Sorry for not writing in a long time, it's been quite hectic around here, and then spring break was upon us. Anyways, I am still completely out of ideas, so I decided to answer some of our fan emails we get, a gimmick that has been done on every website to create filler material. Here we go.
From: Jill and Joy Panniwack
Subject: LOL
Hey WCXP.com! Just wanted to say we love your site, but we want to know what exciting new features you have planned for the future of your site! OH AND WE LOVE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND HAVING SHAVED LEGS! COOL! K THX BAI.
Thank you for writing in. As of now, WCXP Labs have some exciting new features brewing for future version of the Webcenter. Of course, many of these new assets are currently classified and still remain in the testing and planning phase, here is a list of some things I can tell you about:
- Cookie Delivery System. Type "/cookie" in the comments section and within 15-30 minutes WCXP.com personnel will deliver a cookie to your door.
- Baby Combat MMORPG. Largely self-explanatory, you will be able to create and login to an account on WCXP. After creating your account, you will be able to create and customize your infant, preparing yourself for the exciting world of armed hand to hand baby combat. Choose from a wide variety of weapons, from pickaxes to machine guns. Best of all, it will be completely free!
- New content section entitled "Paperclip Paradise." In Paperclip Paradise you will find an exhaustive database full of everything you ever wanted to know about Paperclips. From the 1821 Classic Boston Grey model up through today's Futuristic Neon Green clips, we will have catalogued all of the information for you to read in an easy to navigate interface. Plus, visit our Paperclip Forums to share your thoughts and insight with other paperclip aficionados.
- Banning Evan Asher from ever posting again. Really.
- Library Webcams. Have you ever wanted to see who's borrowing what books? We have too and finally your questions will be answered when the WCXP Live Library Feed service comes online. We have partnered with nearly every library in America to install several webcams in each library. Plus, there will be multiple feeds! Select from views of the circulation desk, nonfiction shelves numbered from 500-700 (with more dewey decimal support in the works), and periodicals! All in real time!
Keep in mind that many of these features are still a long way off but we're sure that you will enjoy them!
From: May Crabbingworth
Subject: Women's Issues
Hello, I am an avid reader of your website. I am a feminist, a mother, and as you can tell I have a professional career. That is why I am curious about the complete lack of articles on WCXP.com about women's issues. Please let me know what you plan to do to remedy the situation, or I may be forced to start a boycott of your website among feminists like myself who are also experiencing PMS. Thank you.
Don't worry May! As you may or may not know, our resident female writer, John Ramey, has already been commissioned to write several pieces that touch on certain hot topics that exist in the area of feminism today. Without giving away too much details about what's in store, I would just like to let you know about some of the great articles you will be reading in the months ahead. This month, John will be approaching the important topic of abortion in an essay entitled "Alternative Methods: Repeated Beatings of Stomach with Baseball Bat," which explores the exciting new world of alternatives to old-fashioned vacuum-powered abortions. In May, you can expect an article entitled "Boobies!!!," which is a thought provoking piece on anatomy and self-image. Finally, in June, John and I will release a co-written essay on women's language, entitled "Cunt: How & Why it Should be Brought Back into Common Usage." We hope you will enjoy these new articles!
From: Josh Snewlack
Subject: sandwich V1C0DD1N, C0DE1NE, V1AAGRRA, C1AAL1S, \/ALLIUM, Z0LOFT, S0MMA, XANAA AT...
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Thanks Josh for the praise! To answer your question, the WCXP staff doesn't like just ONE flavor in their milkshakes, but we all have varying preferences. I conducted a survey, and this is what I found.
Me - I love chocolate, because it reminds me of my childhood spent in the streets of Venice.
Aimee - Oreo, which isn't a goddamn fucking flavor and I swear to god I was hoping you would say Shamrock or some shit so I could laugh at you for not geting it before St. Patrick's Day and now I am fucking pissed off goddamnit.
John - "You'd want to know that, because you're a man, in a male-dominated milkshake society." I think that means Vanilla
.Ben - Drinking milkshakes is against his religion.
Evan - Strawberry. I don't even know what to say about this.
Well folks, that's all for tonight. Special thanks to all our fans for writing in, and including pictures of themselves when mailing us! As always, you can contact the mailbag by writing us at mailbag@wcxp.com.
3 Comments:
I forgot how the letter about drugs led into milkshakes and I'm not about to clarify anything.
By bee, at 3/29/2005 02:26:29 AM
You misogonystic pig.
P.S. Strawberry, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
By Xerxes, at 3/29/2005 12:49:54 PM
True, strawberry is so fucking lol I can't believe it and when Evan reads this he will be extra moody in art or something.
I mean, strawberry more like virgin blood or something gross like that.
By bee, at 3/31/2005 11:06:12 PM
